Lindsay Lohan was once a child star in her prime, raking in millions and starring in hits like The Parent Trap and Mean Girls. As she moved into adulthood, the actress went from squeaky-clean starlet to a bankrupt jailbird flailing to make money any way she can.
Over the years, LiLo has tried everything to get back on top, desperately clutching at straws to stay relevant. From dating Mark Ronson’s sister Sam to belting out a wobbly tune or two, Linds has left no stone unturned.
Unfortunately, despite her best attempts, this jailbird doesn’t sing like a canary.
After doing the world a solid and not releasing any new music for over 12 years, Lindsay has recently decided to dazzle us all with her talent once more. When I say talent, I mean diarrhea of the mind over a painfully monotonous beat.
Her latest track, “Back to Me,” details…well, not much of anything, to be honest. Lindsay caterwauls:
I used to blame me when s*** got crazy, I can’t think too much about what they say. And now these Sundays got me feeling like Mondays, I know I drink too much, but it’s okay.
Before going on to dub herself contagious:
My life is full of ripped up pages. I’ve been weak, contagious. But I’m coming back, coming back to me.
Contagious? We all know Lindsay has bedded more Hollywood stars than John Mayer. Maybe she left her lovers with more than just bad memories.
Aside from the fact that Lindsay’s singing is outrageously out of tune and poorly timed, there’s another glaring problem with her music. No one cares!
At this point, Lindsay is setting her self up for ridicule, but with little to gain. As if her ridiculously awful attempt at reality television wasn’t bad enough in 2019, now we have to suffer through this resurgence.
Isn’t anyone looking after this extremely troubled Z-lister and helping her protect what little self-dignity she has left? Or have they all just given up and left her clawing at the ankle of the public like a doomed puppy on its way to the pound?
Someone toss her a treat and send her on her way. Hopefully, we’ll get another 12 years of peace.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of CCN.com.
This article was edited by Josiah Wilmoth.