Five years ago today, Zayn Malik quit One Direction and saved all of humanity from repeating another terrible boy band era. He should be lauded as a musical savior for his courageous act.
Zayn Malik is back in the headlines today as the world celebrates the day he quit One Direction. Five years ago today, Malik left the boy band to live the life of a normal 22-year-old young man, and we are forever indebted to him.
He set in motion the eventual breakup of one of the worst bands created by human minds: One Direction.
Five years ago, Malik summoned the courage to leave a life of fame and fortune for the greater good of humanity. In Malik’s words:
I feel like it is now the right time for me to leave the band. I’d like to apologise to the fans if I’ve let anyone down, but I have to do what feels right in my heart. I am leaving because I want to be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight.
Oh, Zayn. You didn’t have to apologize to anyone. Your decision helped lead to the breakup of a band that no sensible human being wanted around in the first place. Seriously, is anyone missing songs like this?
A boy band, created on “X-Factor” by Simon Cowell, had the gall the name a song “Best Song Ever”? That’s like an Applebee’s line cook tossing some cheese and styrofoam into a quesadilla and calling it “the best dish ever.”
I can’t deny it. One Direction did seem to have a lot of fans. But unlike their predecessors, they came up in the age of social media. Is it possible that their online fanbase consisted of millions of bots?
I wouldn’t rule it out. After all, bots would probably get the most enjoyment out of 1D’s music. What kind of real person is listening to teenage boys singing about girls who have “kisses” like “cream”?
Does anyone really want to steal a girl who likes any of these five boys with big T-shirts?
‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys faded from existence, and there was a sweet, glorious time when we let them rest in peace. It’s just like the rest period the world got in-between New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys.
Boy Bands move in cycles, and they seem to come in twos. Once the dark lords resurrected this music in 2011, another robotic boy band was gaining sentience in a whole different part of the world.
BTS has been dominating the hearts of confused young people for over three years now. Can you imagine if One Direction was still around? The cycle would continue, and we would be in another full-on boy band revolution, just like the late 90s. With the coronavirus pandemic sweeping the globe, they could capture vulnerable, misguided hearts in record numbers.
But they won’t, thanks to Zayn Malik. March 25th should be a global holiday, and we should treat Zayn like our one and true savior. Thank you, Zayn, for sacrificing your lifestyle so billions could enjoy theirs.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of CCN.com.