Eager to shed its "dropped once, never fired" reputation, France is assiduously gearing up for World War III. And the latest additions to President Macron's armed forces will leave even the best military strategist speechless.
A "Space Command" with laser-shooting Nano-satellites, an army of science fiction writers, and a Green Goblin-inspired flying soldier are just a few of Macron's latest schemes to protect the French motherland from all threats both foreign and intergalactic.
One gets the impression that if he weren't so busy running a country, he would be price-shopping flights to Nevada while practicing to Naruto Run past the guards outside Area 51.
Straight-Faced Emmanuel Macron Promises Laser-Firing Nano-Satellites to Combat Spy Threats
In a speech addressed to military personnel the day before the Bastille Day parade, Macron announced the creation of a "Space Command" to protect French satellites from possible threats.
"To give substance to this doctrine and ensure the development and reinforcement of our space capabilities, a space command will be created next September in the air force."
A $4 billion military budget backs this project, which aims to deploy laser pointers in orbit and use them to blind spy satellites.
French Armed Forces Minister Florence Parly said France is willing to defend its 2,000 satellites with powerful lasers fired from satellites or — and this isn't a joke — nano-satellites:
"If our satellites are threatened, we intend to blind those of our adversaries ... We reserve the right and the means to be able to respond: that could imply the use of powerful lasers deployed from our satellites or from patrolling nano-satellites."
This Green Goblin-Syle Flying Soldier Is a Reality
For those more down-to-earth, another surprising and bizarre project came courtesy of Franky Zapata. During the Bastille Day military parade, the inventor exhibited his Green Goblin-style flyboard while President Macron gushed about how proud he was of his "modern and innovative" army.
Zapata, 45, explained that his invention could fly for more than 10 minutes at more than 115 miles per hour. After soaring through the streets of Paris, the inventor tried to cross the English Channel. He failed.
Apparently, the problem was due to Zapata pushing the limits of his invention, making it fly longer than it could bear.
Be Careful of Macron's Army of... Science Fiction Writers
Thinking that a president could conceive of the need for a special commando with nano-satellites that launch powerful lasers against space threats or the creation of an army of flying soldiers seems odd, but Macron's announcement of a new division of science fiction writers to prevent unimaginable threats could explain this.
The division —which he calls the "Red Team" — will leverage the writers' imagination to anticipate possible threats. This think-tank will help the military foresee "scenarios of disruptions" that could appear in the near future - most likely in the plot of a straight-to-Netflix sci-fi flick.
But don't worry. The president clarified that —at least for now— the military strategy would be left to military strategists. And although it may sound redundant, given the circumstances, it is essential to emphasize this:
"It is certainly not the Red Team that will decide France's military strategy and still less its defense policy. Its role will be to help the Defence Innovation Agency think about future technologies and their impact on strategies."
Is Macron Cribbing from Trump?
Macron does not seem to be the only one imagining interstellar wars. The president of the United States is also seeking the creation of a "Space Force."
Space Force all the way!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 9, 2018
Just this week, Vice President Mike Pence said: "We're well on our way" to making the Space Force a reality.