By CCN: Elon Musk is laughing all the way to the bank, thanks to Los Angeles Rams backup quarterback Blake Bortles.
The $160,000 Quit Tobacco Method That's Guaranteed to Fail
— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) May 27, 2019
The Blake Bortles logic path works as follows: The former Jaguars first-rounder only buys his dip at gas station convenience stores, so if he stops going to convenience stores, he won’t buy dip anymore. In order to eliminate gas station visits, he buys an electric vehicle – a Tesla.
This seems like an extremely expensive method for quitting tobacco, considering Blake Bortles ponied up $160,000 for his custom Tesla.
The method also is certainly not FDA-approved, so it’s not a good idea to follow his lead – especially since he carted $6.5 million in guaranteed money to the LA Rams when leaving the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Shockingly, the Blake Bortles “Quit Tobacco Now” plan failed. Now he just drives his $160,000 Tesla to the gas station and still buys his dip.
Don't Use Tesla Autopilot, Blake!: LA Rams Fans Everywhere
LA Rams fans, however, have more to be concerned about. Blake Bortles uses the autopilot function on his Tesla:
“I just let it get on the highway and you double-click the thing twice and it just drives you all the way there. I kind of check the news and see what’s going on. It beeps like every 60 seconds and you’ve got to touch the wheel, so you can’t take a nap.”
Given the apparent propensity for the Tesla autopilot to fail catastrophically and end in death, or burst into flames without warning, LA Rams fans had better hope that starting quarterback Jared Goff does not get injured.
How Blake Bortles Can Kill Two Birds With One Tesla
The LA Rams organization might consider getting Blake Bortles a driver.
This would not only remove the autopilot risk, but the driver could refuse to go to a convenience store, thereby denying Blake Bortles an opportunity to buy his dip.
There’s more to this story because the Tesla is also a status symbol here in LA. They are found in the driveways in the expensive parts of town, and in the parking lots of the top restaurants and nightclubs.
Bortles is trying to fit in, and he can’t be blamed for rightly believing that his pickup truck would be looked at askance at the fancy new Los Angeles Rams facility.
Don't Give Elon Musk Any More Ideas
There’s an additional unintended downside to Bortles’ failed dip-addiction treatment plan.
Snake oil salesman Elon Musk must’ve heard about Bortles' antics, and he is likely dreaming up other ways to dupe people into buying a Tesla for reasons that have nothing to do with the car, to further line his pockets.
Elon Musk’s Insane Payday: 40,668 Times the Median Tesla Salary https://t.co/dpslDeQSOF
— CCN Markets (@CCNMarkets) May 25, 2019
So don't be surprised when Elon Musk starts touting the Tesla as a way to “adjust your personal magnetic field.”
Last modified (UTC): May 28, 2019 5:37 PM