Dinosaur Jamie Dimon Needs to Accept That Millennials Hate JPMorgan

June 6, 2019 17:32 UTC

By CCN: JPMorgan Chase just scrapped its uninspired mobile banking app targeted at millennials. It only lasted one year before Jamie Dimon and co. had to admit defeat.

JPMorgan Scraps Stupid Emoji Banking App After 12 Months

The Finn app was launched last June to woo emoji-loving young people with zero-fee mobile banking. But the lame attempt to cross Robinhood with Snapchat has failed spectacularly. Twelve months and done, and the market has clearly spoken.

One can imagine a marketing exec in a JPMorgan boardroom mid-2017: “Put lots of emojis. They like emojis. That’ll get ’em.” Condescending jerk.

Stop you condescending Wall Street fat cats. | Screenshot of JPMorgan Chase and Co.’s now-defunct Finn App

Instead of condescending to millennials with emojis, which we already have on every other app and takes no imagination or work to produce, maybe JPMorgan could just stop stealing from us. Now that would be some earth-shattering news.

Jamie Dimon Sold Millennials Out

Millennials graduated college into the worst economy since the Great Depression because of what Jamie Dimon did to us on both the Federal Reserve Board and then on Wall Street at the helm of JPMorgan.

He helped the U.S. Treasury run up the national debt to the moon. Then he ran wild with all the Federal Reserve’s easy money, borrowed against millennials’ future to finance the lavish lifestyles of Wall Streeters who got bailed out by taxpayers when reality hit.

Millennials aren’t cool to your emoji-laden, low fee Finn app because of brand confusion as a JPMorgan spokesman suggested Thursday.

They just know you’re not one of us and you’re not for us. Jamie Dimon has enriched himself on the backs of millennials who never got a bailout for the colossal financial mistakes they were led by their parents to make as teenagers.

Then he wonders why bitcoin has been the financial coup of all history.

JPMorgan Has Money & Emojis, But No Mojo

JPMorgan and its CEO, Jamie Dimon, are 20th-century fossils that can’t dance in tech. | Source: Shutterstock

Even more laughably, Dimon has the audacity to ride the cryptocurrency hype with JPMorgan’s laughably boring dud of a crypto– JPM Coin last year.

It’s the same not-so-magic formula that got us the Finn flop. Copy other successful tech creatives. Don’t add anything new of substantive value.

Hope the hype is good enough to keep JPMorgan relevant. Fail spectacularly and hilariously because your product offering was all frosting, no cake.

And that’s how the Wall Street bank keeps missing the mark with millennials. They think millennials are dumb enough to like all frosting and no cake. Just because it worked on the generation raised by cable, doesn’t mean it will work on us. Millennials have a sensitive BS detector and value people and companies that are genuine and keep it real.

JPMorgan and its CEO, Jamie Dimon, are 20th-century fossils that can’t dance in tech.

This article was edited by Josiah Wilmoth.

@thehuli

Living in Nashville, Tennessee, United States (since 2001). Bachelor of Business Administration from Belmont University in 2009 (majored in Entrepreneurship). Organized Senator Rand Paul's first and second online fundraisers in 2009. Roving editor for the Independent Voter Network since 2013. Email me | Follow Me on Twitter (followed by: fmr Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX), Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), fmr NM Gov. Gary Johnson, and Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY))

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