It was only a matter of time before the collective mourning over the tragic death of Kobe Bryant gave way to humanity’s baser impulses.
But that doesn’t make it any less disgusting when society’s bottom-feeders use their crocodile tears as currency to buy 15 minutes of shameless self-promotion.
Within hours of Kobe’s death, hype-men like Justin Sun were exploiting his legacy to promote their own business interests.
Not long after that, conspiracy theorists began feeding on the grief of the victims’ devastated families to platform their own ridiculous brands.
Dr. Umar Johnson, a school psychologist and the self-described “Prince of Pan-Afrikanism,” posted this insane six-minute rant alleging that white supremacists had murdered Kobe Bryant.
Watch it all:
Johnson’s argument relies on a particularly egregious example of the anecdotal fallacy: No helicopter I’ve ever ridden in has crashed, so Kobe Bryant’s helicopter couldn’t have crashed without foul play.
When is the last time you saw a propeller go out on a helicopter? I’ve been on helicopters. I’ve been on helicopters. I’ve been on helicopters. When is the last time you saw the propeller go out on a helicopter?
You how many flights I’ve been in in the fog? Helicopters in the fog? I took helicopters in Africa in the fog. In Africa. In Nigeria. In the fog. On the helicopter. They did not crash because of the fog…
They didn’t crash because of no d*mn fog, and it wasn’t no wind. The propeller was sabotaged.
With that settled, Johnson explains why someone would want to murder Kobe: He had filed a trademark lawsuit against a pharmaceutical company for naming a diet pill “Black Mamba HYPERRUSH.” He claims the product illegally trades on his famous nickname.
That makes for a nice “Psych” plotline, but there are just two problems with this theory:
Johnson doesn’t need to concern himself with those minor details, though, because there’s something far more insidious afoot. A white supremacist plot organized by the Illuminati itself.
This, he says, was “no d*mn accident.” It was a “ritually symbolic” murder.
What else do we know about Illuminati… Bilderbergs… Rothschilds… what do we know about the white secret societies that run the world?
Whenever they commit a murder of a significant icon or personality… there is always a ritualistic symbolism to the timing of the assassinations… This was no d*mn accident.
So what made this assassination ritualistically symbolic? LeBron James had recently passed Kobe Bryant on the NBA all-time scoring list.
This is where Johnson’s straight-to-cable movie script begins to really go off the rails.
For all its resources, the Illuminati apparently can’t get a handle on Kobe Bryant’s schedule.
According to Johnson, the assassins most likely didn’t mean to kill nine people – only one. They didn’t know Bryant and the other passengers would be flying on the helicopter on Sunday. They thought he’d be flying solo – on Monday.
Not that the Illuminati care about collateral damage. Remember Pearl Harbor?
What is Dr. Umar’s third rule of white supremacy? White supremacy is ruthless… If we got to kill your kids, kill innocent people, we’ll do it. Let us not forget, America let Pearl Harbor get bombed… to justify getting involved in World War II.
That… escalated quickly.
This is where it’s important to stipulate that Johnson isn’t just some anonymous Twitter troll. He has a sizable following – and a blue checkmark on Instagram.
And like Alex Jones, he doesn’t care one bit how his self-aggrandizing bluster might affect the heartbroken families of the victims of the tragedy he’s chosen to exploit.
Johnson stops just short of suggesting the families should thank him.
It’s possible that Dr. Johnson really believes all this.
But I’m inclined to believe he betrays his true motivation in the final seconds of his video:
“Get your donations in.”
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of CCN.com.